Happy belated new year, LJ.
I'm sorry I went AWOL. My ED update is simple enough, - I lost some over xmas (staying with my food-phobic parents) then gained some this month and now I'm ambivolent about getting back on track. I'm maintaining and trying to restrict more yet I know what I should really do is put all these concerns out of my mind, eat intuitively and get on with my life. As if. I'm cutting back to 500cal again tomorrow. Yeah. Phew.
I've been dodging phonecalls and emails and not going into my internship. I hate hate hate being unreliable but not as much as I hate dealing with real life right now. I'm applying for jobs and talking the talk but I dont really want the future I'm chasing. I'm like electricity - I like to take the path of least resistance, I'm just not sure what that is right now. I'm also trying to convince myself I love my boyfriend and I want to look for a new house with him. I have a horrible suspicion this is what love is - you make it work out of guilt or naivety and after a decade of making do you've become dependant on each other.
God, I'm such a lame misanthropic bitch. I'm too old to be so melodramatic and too young to be so jaded.
Aside from all that personal blah, there's a lost dog outside my house, it's an Akita and I'm scared of it but it's wandering in front of trafic, in front of a school and I feel I ought to do something. I probably won't though. I always feel bad for lost dogs, they seem to alternate between gleeful interest in their surroundings and dire anxiety about not knowing where to go next. If it keeps going on the road, I'm calling on the dog warden.
A retarded part of my brain suggested that blogging here is just a way my disorder perpetuates itself and that I should refuse to engage with ED related thoughts. But I know that journalling here has helped me understand myself so much better, there's a fine line between pandering to the disorder and working out my own issues but I'm mostly aware of where that line is. Over the last six months, I've really worked hard at consolidating my sense of self, which I justify by considering it an investment in my future. Yeah, I was probably supposed to do that during childhood but those processes were arrested and I'm now perceptive enough to know I need to work on myself as I also work on my future and public persona.
Hope everyone is doing ok, I'll be back on LJ to catch up soon.
I couldnt get up again this morning, I felt totally disconnected from my body like I'd taken a ton of vallium. I have tired phases like this sometimes, I feel like all my bodily systems slow down. I also got a stern phonecall from the landlord about my not having paid the rent for months. I ought to feel more anxious or ashamed than I do but it's been going on for so long I've just shut my feelings off in the back of my mind and I'm in barely caring mode. I think it's just burnout.
Haven't eaten yet today and I don't know if I will. Not out of choice, I really don't want to fast and fuck up my metabolism any more. It's not like it's beyond my ability to go get a yoghurt out of the fridge, I just think it's the swallowing it I'd have trouble with. Which is odd for me. What normally motivates me to not eat or restrict is the fear of how bad I feel after I eat. I'm pathalogically avoidant - I live in the future, in potential consequences. Right now I'm not at all sure why I can't eat what I could have done yesterday. The power of this disorder over my thoughts and behaviour never fails to baffle me.
I've been reading an article about the sin of gluttony. It's interesting how it used to be one of the worst, if not the worst sin but these days we're more worried about wrath and lust. Gluttony has evolved, too. It's fundamentally about favouring animalistic, physical satisfaction of the body over spiritual concerns. However, words we now think have a positive or neutral meaning such as delicacy, luxury, gourmand used to be much more perjorative. The quality of delicacy has come to mean sensitivity, demureness, tact, refinement. However, "delicacy initially meant the quality of being addicted to sensual pleasure and encompassed both lust and gluttony, but mostly gluttony". So really, the sin of gluttony can encompass both gross over-consumption of food, or simply taking too much pleasure in luxurious and over-wrought cuisine.
To avoid the sin of gluttony, many people jump too far in the opposite direction and we have fasting saints and ascetics. However, Religion has been known to condemn this extreme, too. I tend to agree, there's a moderate grey area and extremes are anorexic black and white thinking. Gluttony and abstinence might not even be seen as opposites in this sense, they're both excesses of the body which place unseemly emphasis on food. I certainly consider anorexia my own form of gluttony. (I'm not sure it's exactly sinful though).
I do think the fasting saints and modern anorectics who (and I'm guilty of this myself) deny the body are missing the point somewhat. In the past people percieved a seperation of body and spirt and the spirit was definately higher in the hiarachy. In Modern cartesian philosophy we have a tendancy to replace spirit with intellect but to the same ends, we denegrate and distrust the body and only value the intangible other. Why must we be so judgemental of the body, why are we so dualistic in our thinking? I'm not really arguing against mind/body dualism at all. I'm just wondering why throughout history humans have assumed this hierachy with the body at the bottom? We go on about "Sins of the Flesh" but what about the sins of the mind? I don't think the body is intrinsically worse than our other component parts.
Not sure where I'm going with this, I just find my reading going off down interesting avenues and I tend to trace it all back to EDs in my mind. For the record I'm coming at it from an academic standpoint, I'm not a believer in the biblical take on sins as such.