Tags: relationships

daria

The loner is lonely.

The BF just left for a day filming his daft friend crashing bikes and hurting himself. He'll be back at teatime and told me I'm not allowed to eat until he comes back so we can have dinner together. Although I had no intention of eating being told what I can and can't do gets my back up. It doesn't help I'm going through one of those phases of wanting to leave him, I'm trying to chalk it up to my depression and negative take on everything right now rather than the chance I might actually be right and he's more trouble than he's worth. Anyway, we're contracted to live together for another 10 months and if I leave him he'll either kill himself, me or the both of us. I hate staying a relationship that makes me unhappy just for the sake of keeping the peace at home but I think we owe it to our other housemate who is already sick of us and hey, I'm always being told our generation doesn't work hard enough at their relationships. I really wish I knew how to find the middle ground between being a bitch and a pushover, though.
I wish I knew how to find middle grounds fullstop, actually.

Anyway, The point I had in mind when I started typing was that he's also pretty much my only friend at the moment. I have a lot of aquaitances but for years there's been no one I feel close to, no who hasn't been one of his friends first or foremost. Most of all, I have no female friends, no female contact. At university I was one of the guys and felt isolated from the girly cliques but that's not for want of trying to fit in. The older I get the more I realise I need female relationships. To be fair, even when I went to a girls' school I didn't really engage with any of my peers but that's because I was a weird dorky outcast not because I didn't want to. I could be a great friend these days (between the melancholia), I'm a real person with so much to offer but the opportunities to meet other women aren't presenting themselves.
How does this relate to EDs? I'm not sure apart from the fact I fill the female companionship gap in my life with ED literature. Yeah, I read them to understand myself better and the sick part of me reads them to stay triggered but they also provide this intimate, conspirational, mundane yet emotional connection with the authors or the case studies.