Tags: recovery

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Disgustingly honest.


Why is it I don't want to/can't recover completely from my ED? I've been thinking about that today, as it applies at this time of my life. And honestly, It's because living like this doesn't feel too bad. In The Golden Cage ED pioneer Hilda Bruch says that "An anorexic patient cannot be considered outside the danger of relapse unless she has honestly reported on the terror of starvation and her inability to repeat it". For me there's simply none of that terror and I long to repeat it, push it further, evenI tried gaining weight before because I was in too much pain to continue living the way I was, and it helped somewhat but only for a while. Right now, I feel I'm distressed by life but not my ED. I don't feel it's at all detrimental to me. OK, I'm scared of food, I get anxious when forced to eat in public but that seems a fair price to pay.

But to pay for what? It's not only that I don't mind living this way it's also that I must be getting something from my ED.
Its a distraction from stressors, I can spend my time counting calories instead of feeling, that's always been a motivation for me. It gives me a sense of control when I have none, cliche but true. Also, one magical day I might feel I'm thin/sick enought to ask for help and to deserve help, I want to get worse paradoxically so I can get help - It validates my maladjustment.

Not only do I think I want the ED, I also don't want the life ahead of me. Somehow, I believe having an ED will save me from that, either by remaking me as a stronger better person, letting me hide behind my sickness or simply providing the sand in which to bury my head. 

So basically, at the moment I feel, even if I'm no good at articulating it that the positives outweigh the negatives. Some would say that feeling fat and inadequate and constantly overwhelmed are symptoms of the ED and I was led to believe that recovery was about curing me of those so I would no longer need my behaviours. Now I'm more inclined to believe that I will always feel these negative feelings and the ED is just my (stupid) way of dealing with them, and if I didn't have that I couldnt live. 

I'm just rambling here but I needed to get these thoughts out of my brain so I can build on them later. I have a strong feeling my logic and intuition can't be relied upon where these issues are concerned and that there's no defending an ED but even if they're utterly skewed I need to know my reasons.