Tags: depression

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SSDD

Wow, it's been a while longer than I realised since I posted here. Where did the year go?
The depression that started sneaking back in in February has become all but overwhelming. It's such an unpleasant but familiar state for me. I'm going to start seeing an NHS councellor since I went to the doctor and told him I was really not coping. Nice guy but he looks at me like I'm an insanity time bomb who might self destruct in his very office). Ive never had much luck with talking cures but I'm willing to try anything less than a lobotomy at the moment.

Anyway, I'm on again off again restricting, always hoping each bout will be the one that gets its hooks into me and works me back into the anorexic frenzy a part of me has always missed. For all the recovery success stories you read, especially those nice, neat two page health-sickness-health ones in womens weekly magazines I'm always a skeptic about recovery. I hope not but I suspect most of them stay EDNOS. And all the memoir writers, the bloggers who have recovered and want to help others. If I ever really recover I don't think I'll want to dwell on my sickness. It always strikes me as a way to cling on, to keep a little bit of the ED back. But maybe that's just me.

Anyway, I'm clinging on, restricting well for the past week. Never over 800cal, not even drinking much. Still not brave enough to step on the scale but I'm hopefull I'll be there soon. My friend lost 2 stone over the summer which is inspiring. I stare at her in amazement when she talks openly about losing weight. For so long fluctuating weight has been something to hide in my mind. I forget that for most people losing weight is a cause for celebration, not something to hide from their doctors. Another reminder I've drifted too far from normal attitudes. I need to get out more.