Tags: blogging


lost dog

Happy belated new year, LJ.
I'm sorry I went AWOL. My ED update is simple enough, - I lost some over xmas (staying with my food-phobic parents) then gained some this month and now I'm ambivolent about getting back on track. I'm maintaining and trying to restrict more yet I know what I should really do is put all these concerns out of my mind, eat intuitively and get on with my life. As if. I'm cutting back to 500cal again tomorrow. Yeah. Phew.

I've been dodging phonecalls and emails and not going into my internship. I hate hate hate being unreliable but not as much as I hate dealing with real life right now. I'm applying for jobs and talking the talk but I dont really want the future I'm chasing. I'm like electricity - I like to take the path of least resistance, I'm just not sure what that is right now. I'm also trying to convince myself I love my boyfriend and I want to look for a new house with him. I have a horrible suspicion this is what love is - you make it work out of guilt or naivety and after a decade of making do you've become dependant on each other.
God, I'm such a lame misanthropic bitch. I'm too old to be so melodramatic and too young to be so jaded.

Aside from all that personal blah, there's a lost dog outside my house, it's an Akita and I'm scared of it but it's wandering in front of trafic, in front of a school and I feel I ought to do something. I probably won't though. I always feel bad for lost dogs, they seem to alternate between gleeful interest in their surroundings and dire anxiety about not knowing where to go next. If it keeps going on the road, I'm calling on the dog warden.

A retarded part of my brain suggested that blogging here is just a way my disorder perpetuates itself and that I should refuse to engage with ED related thoughts. But I know that journalling here has helped me understand myself so much better, there's a fine line between pandering to the disorder and working out my own issues but I'm mostly aware of where that line is. Over the last six months, I've really worked hard at consolidating my sense of self, which I justify by considering it an investment in my future. Yeah, I was probably supposed to do that during childhood but those processes were arrested and I'm now perceptive enough to know I need to work on myself as I also work on my future and public persona.

Hope everyone is doing ok, I'll be back on LJ to catch up soon.

Belated insight of the moment

Reading this post about the 'coming out' involved in blogging about EDs made me realise how odd it is I'm so secretive about my interest in EDs. So many of us have our public blogs and online identities and then keep our ED community identities sepearate. And I can see why when no one around you knows about your ED yet and you don't want them to but what about people like me, whose friends and family are well aware of my anorexic past? I'm not entirely sure why I should keep my ambivolence about recovery so secret. I even hide my ED books from my BF - Why? I honestly can't figure out why I feel like I'm doing something wrong by taking an interest in EDs and my own condition.
Perhaps it's because I'm supposed to be recovered and it would be too much of a blow to my loved ones if they knew I was still a bit wonky. But lying to them and being furtive about my eating makes me feel just as guilty.
Perhaps it's because I'm scared of the reaction I'd get if they knew I wasn't cured. When I was last ill with anorexia I ended up back living with my parents and while they were for the most part fantastically supportive they gave me a strong sense that they thought this was my problem to solve alone. I tried to give my mum some books on EDs to read, to better understand me but she was so reluctant - possibly because she was scared they'd blame her as my mother, I don't know. They didnt want to know and I suspect they over-estimated the amount of choice I had in staying sick.  
I'm just wondering how my boyfriend can openly research his condition - bipolar - and I feel like I'm indulging in something forbidden when I seek out ED literature. Seriously, I'd rather be caught with the filthiest niche fetish porn the internet can offer than a copy of The Golden Cage

Busy day yesterday, I went on a 'staff development' trip to art galleries in Liverpool. My bank account was more empty than I realised so I couldn't afford any food or drink throughout the 12hr day. I eventually managed to beg some tap water from one gallery and normally I wouldn't have minded going that long without eating, but since it was enforced I felt deprived! I wanted my chance to um and ahh over what I might be able to buy in the cafe then give up because deciding, as ever, was too difficult. My friend I went with who has recently lost a bunch of weight said she prefers to eat just one meal in the evening, which of course ought to be death to her metabolism. I hate it when people shake up my understanding of how dieting works. It skews my whole perception of reality!